


No Way But This

by Lilith_Child



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brief Soulless Sam Winchester, Episode: s05e04 The End, Lucifer's Cage, M/M, Multiple Universes, Season/Series 05, Sharing a Body
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 15:55:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4185876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilith_Child/pseuds/Lilith_Child
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam watches, mutely, from inside his mind as Lucifer snaps his brother’s neck with Sam’s foot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Way But This

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing, and all mistakes are mine.
> 
> Please tell me if you see any typos, oddly placed commas, or anything else.

Sam watches, mutely, from inside his mind as Lucifer snaps his brother’s neck with Sam’s foot. He can’t tell if he’s angry, bitter, or even if he’s sad. Mostly, he just feels numb. _Dean made his choices, _Lucifer reminds him, his (their) lips never moving.__

_I know, _Sam replies, with a harsh, broken sound that’s almost like a sob just barely stopped from escaping them. And he does know. Dean probably thinks - thought - that Sam wasn’t alive anymore, too. He wasn’t sure, though, because Dean had always put his brother above the world, and would never try to kill him.__

As he thinks, he can hear Lucifer’s quiet disagreement swirl around him, but Lucifer doesn’t say anything. He’s just as guilty of it with Michael. Then, there’s a gasp that comes from neither of them. It comes from Dean, a much younger, more innocent Dean. Sam feels an almost silent, “oh,” leave their lips, and he can’t tell which of them said it. There’s a sudden woodenness that falls over their features, and Lucifer greets Sam’s wayward brother. “Hello, Dean.”

Dean stares at them in horror, and at the body on the ground as Lucifer continues. “Aren’t you a surprise.” Though it seems sarcastic, he truly is. Well, was. They had felt the stirrings in time, but hadn’t known who it was. It figured that it had to be Dean. The universe just did not want the Winchesters to stay dead, did it? They move, then, and are standing behind Dean. “You’ve come a long way to see this, haven’t you?” The question is loaded with meanings that this Dean can’t yet grasp, and that his Dean never could. _You’ve come to try to save us. You’ve come to see how far we’ve left the path. You’ve come to kill us, because Michael never could. You’ve come and you won’t be happy with us because you never were, and because I love him. ___

Sam doesn’t know which of them is thinking these things, maybe him, maybe Lucifer, maybe both. They blend so seamlessly sometimes that they can’t tell themselves apart. Sam wished someone had told him sooner that he wouldn’t burn, wouldn’t freeze. It would have helped save the world, back when he had been suicidal and could do nothing about it.

Dean, in all his bravery and ignorance of what they really are, what they can do to him, replies. “Well, go ahead. Kill me.”

“Kill you?” _I would love to kill you, believe me. Do not tempt me. Sam is your only chance for survival. I suggest you do not attempt to make me._

_Please don’t. _Sam says. It’s a routine now, Lucifer will make threats, and Sam will talk him down. It doesn’t always work, but for the most part, it will, and Lucifer will give it up.__

_I won’t, _Lucifer agrees. There’s amusement in his tone, and it hasn’t completely disappeared when he next speaks. “Don’t you think that would be a little…redundant?” _That’s not funny, _Sam thinks. It’s something that he doesn’t like, Lucifer joking about Dean’s death like that. Not when he’s already felt himself break Dean’s neck.____

_I’m sorry, Sam, _Lucifer apologizes, sighing, and he says it out loud to Dean, too. “I’m sorry, Dean. It must be hard speaking to,” he hesitates briefly, and Sam can tell that Lucifer wants to say _us, _but he doesn’t. It takes until he has finished the sentence that Sam understands why. Lucifer is protecting him. _Thank you, _Sam says. “But it had to be your brother. It had to be.”______

_Always, Sam, _Lucifer says. _I will always protect you. _They reach out for Dean, and Dean flinches backward from them. And if that isn’t a metaphor for their relationships with their older brothers, Sam doesn’t know what is. He feels a stab of inexplicable hurt by the movement, though. It shouldn’t hurt, he had let Dean go years ago. But then again, Lucifer hasn’t gotten over Michael yet, and it’s been thousands of years for him, and three since those scars had been ripped open again. “You don’t have to be afraid of me, Dean.” It’s Sam who’s talking, but he keeps Lucifer’s tone even though he wants to scream the words at his brother, and Lucifer smoothly takes the next sentence. It’s a good thing he did, because Sam doesn’t think that he would have been able to make it through it without their voice breaking.____

“What do you think I’m going to do?” And, God, it feels so wrong to hear them say “I” like that. It makes Sam want to scratch at his skin, to peel it off until the _dirtybadwrong _feeling is gone. Lucifer disapproves of this course of action, because he does not wish to see Sam’s body (it’s always Sam’s body) broken like his grace was. They can’t quite stop the involuntary shudder, though, but Sam doesn’t think that Dean sees.__

“I don’t know,” Dean says sarcastically, and of course it’s sarcastic, because that’s how he deals with fear and they all know it. “Maybe deep-fry the planet?” 

They turn, then, facing the roses that Lucifer has grown. They want to laugh hysterically, and Sam can feel the slightly maniacal laughter bubble up in their chest. Lucifer holds one of the roses, not plucking it, and suddenly Sam can see everything that makes it up, and all the intricacies of the life inside of it. It’s something that Sam hasn’t grown used to yet. Lucifer usually lets Sam view the world as he had seen it before. “Why?” they ask, both of them at the same time, and Lucifer continues, because the garden is his place. “Why would I want to destroy this stunning thing? Beautiful in a trillion different ways. The last perfect handiwork of God.” _Except you, _Lucifer adds privately to Sam, and Sam wants to shake his head, because he _isn’t _perfect. He’s screwed up so many times that he’s about as far from perfect as it gets.____

Lucifer is angry, then, and his voice goes to the too-polite, too-sickly-sweet tone that he uses when he is so furious at the world, and God, and humanity. As Lucifer’s anger swirls through their body, Sam gets the feeling that in this case, it’s aimed at the particular human standing a few feet in front of them. _You are perfect, Sam. You may have made decisions that your brother has judged as wrong, but you have always tried to do the right thing. _Sam remains unconvinced, though, just as he has every time before that they have had this argument, and Lucifer turns on Dean. His anger is less uncontrolled now, tightly twisted in their chest, but it is no less potent. “You ever hear the story of how I feel from grace?” Lucifer asks Dean. Sam has, and he knows where Lucifer is going with this.__

Dean rolls his eyes. Sam wants to warn him that it isn’t a good idea to do anything but shut up and listen when Lucifer is in moods like these, but he doesn’t. Lucifer won’t stop him from using his voice when he’s like this, but he doesn’t want Dean to freak out like he knows Dean will. Dean is likely to survive this, much more so than the usual demons that happened to be near them when Lucifer is this angry.

“Oh, good God, you're not gonna tell me a bedtime story, are you? My stomach's almost out of bile,” he says, and Sam knows that those words were the worst possible thing that Dean could have said to Lucifer like this. Lucifer is snarling inside their head, _he never listened he never listened why wouldn’t he listen i will make you listen to me you are worth nothing! ___

“You know why God cast me down? Because I loved him. More than anything. And then God created you. The little...hairless apes. And then he asked all of us to bow down before you—to love you, more than him. And I said, ‘Father, I can’t.' I said, ‘These human beings are flawed, murderous.’ And for that, God had Michael cast me into hell. Now, tell me, does the punishment fit the crime? Especially, when I was right? Look at what six billion of you have done to this thing, and how many of you blame me for it.”

Sam can catch Lucifer nearly stumble on the pronouns every time they speak. They are angry now, and they want to make Dean listen. They _have _to make Dean listen.__

“You're not fooling me, you know that? With this sympathy-for-the-devil crap. I know what you are,” Dean spits.

Lucifer smiles tightly. “Oh? And what am I?”

“You're the same thing, only bigger,” Dean tells them. “The same brand of cockroach I've been squashing my whole life. An ugly, evil, belly-to-the-ground, supernatural piece of crap. The only difference between them and you is the size of your ego.”

The words hit Sam like blows to the skull. Even though he knows that Dean isn’t saying them to him, _can’t _be saying them to him, they hurt. It’s everything his brother has thought about him over the years, everything he has said in bits and pieces. He’s never said it all at once though, and he’s never stated it quite so clearly. Usually, he that hatred in his voice isn’t quite so strong. When he looks at Sam, Sam knows that he used to see Sammy there, the one who idolized him, before Sam started to fight, to rebel.__

“I like you, Dean,” Lucifer says, and the lie is bitter in their mouth. “I get what the other angels see in you,” he doesn’t finish the rest of the sentence, but Sam can hear it quite clearly. _Michael’s replacement. The self-righteous man. Everything that I never was. _“Goodbye. We’ll meet again soon.”__

The two of them turn to walk away, leaving Dean to stand over his older body.

“You’d better kill me now!” Dean yells after them.

They stop walking. “Pardon?” Lucifer asks, turning to face Dean again.

“You better kill me now,” Dean says. “Or I swear, I will find a way to kill you. And I won’t stop.”

Sam smiles softly, bitterly. “I know you won’t,” he says. _You never would, after all. _Lucifer is sitting in the back of their mind now. He’s waiting. “I know you won’t say yes to Michael either.” _You’re better than that. You’re stronger than that. _Sam can’t go on now, and he lets Lucifer take over.____

Lucifer flows smoothly into the next sentence without missing a beat. “And I know you won’t kill Sam. Whatever you do, you will always end up here. Whatever choices you make, whatever details you alter, we will always end up—here.” And it’s true. They’ve seen it, time and time again. Dean shows up and Dean loses and Dean dies. Hell, the Dean they had just killed wasn’t even this universe's proper Dean. _He was still Dean, though, _Sam’s subconscious whispers to him. _I know, _he answers it. Is that a sign of insanity?____

Sam looses track of what is going on in front of him, and the next thing he hears, when he snaps himself back to the conversation, is, “You’re wrong.” It’s Dean who says it, and Sam doesn’t even bother wondering what exactly Lucifer had said to him. The possibilities are endless.

“See you in five years, Dean,” Sam says. It’s the last time he’s ever going to be able to say goodbye to his brother, and he’s going to take advantage of it. 

Dean doesn’t reply.

The next thing Sam sees is their wings, as they lift them into their bedroom. “Are you alright, Sam?” Lucifer asks gently. 

“I’m fine,” Sam says. Both of them know that it is so far from the truth that it’s laughable.

Lucifer doesn’t call him out on the lie, though. “I’m sorry,” he says. The words hang in the air. Sam knows that Lucifer truly is sorry, but still.

_He was my brother, _Sam says. There isn’t feeling behind it. He can’t put anything behind it, or he’ll break down. Sam is simply stating a fact.__

“I know,” Lucifer says, wrapping his wings around them.

_He was my brother and I killed him, _Sam says. There’s a slightly hysterical edge to his voice now, and he can tell that he’s losing control, but Sam doesn’t care.__

“You didn’t kill him, Sam.”

“Yes, I did. We set the trap, we have the Colt, I didn’t let him go! I could have, but I didn’t. Why didn’t I?” Sam doesn’t get an answer.

Instead, he merely gets a sad, pitying smile in the mirror. “Sam, Dean knew the Colt wouldn’t work. Everyone knows it.”

“I know,” Sam says, and his voice breaks. “I know.”

Lucifer wraps their arms around them, stroking Sam’s arm. Sam’s crying now, silent and unable to see.

_It isn’t your fault, Sam, _Lucifer tells him. Sam knows that he dislikes speaking when Sam is crying. He says that it makes him harder to understand.__

_Then why does it feel like it is? _Sam asks, clinging tightly to Lucifer’s grace.__

Because he’s your brother. Because I killed him with your body, and it will always feel like it was you, Lucifer replies.

_I hate it, _Sam says. _He was the one who kicked me out, who tried to kill me. Why am I crying? Why do I miss him? _____

Lucifer doesn’t answer.

—

The next morning, they get up and the world is silent. When they walk outside, they find that the roses have been ripped from their bushes, and Dean’s body has been moved. Sam can just see it, half-buried and covered with flowers.

Castiel waits for them there. It’s the first time that Sam has seen him in years. He looks terrible, bleeding and covered in dirt.

Sam isn’t surprised.

“Hello, Castiel,” Lucifer says. Their eyes wander over the ruined roses, and an involuntary sob rises in their throat. Lucifer had loved the roses. He had been so proud when they first got them to grow, four years ago.

“Did you do this?” Sam asks, when it becomes clear that Lucifer isn’t going to.

Castiel nods.

“Why?” they ask together.

“I’ve got nothing left to live for. Dean needed to be buried. If I happened to ruin your oh-so-perfect garden in the process, the better.” He shrugs, and it is much too fluid to belong to the Castiel that Sam once knew. He talks like Dean now, and Sam can’t help but feel a stab of pain.

“Fuck you, Cas,” Sam says. He’s so tired, suddenly. It feels like all the life has been drained out of him.

Cas’ eyebrows raise. “You are not Lucifer,” he says.

Sam smiles. “No. I’m not. He’s in here, though. With me.”

“You killed your brother?” Cas asks. He looks horrified.

“No!” Sam says. It comes out louder than he means it to.

“I killed his brother,” Lucifer says.

“Will you kill me?” Cas asks Lucifer. He seems to accept the fact that Lucifer and Sam are sharing Sam's body, even if he still looks horrified.

“Why should we?” Lucifer asks.

“Because I have this,” Castiel says, holding up a silver blade. It’s not his, Sam knows. It’s shaped slightly differently.

_Archangel blade, _Lucifer tells him. _It’s Gabriel’s. _____

“And I wasn’t asking Sam, Lucifer. I was asking you.”

“No.” Lucifer says.

“No?”

“I won’t kill you. You can live with your pain and misery like the rest of us down here.” Sam isn’t quite sure which of them says it. All he knows is that Castiel is standing up, and extending the blade toward them. He swings it toward them, obviously expecting them to move, or force it out of his hand, or do _something._

They don’t.

Sam can tell when the blade stabs them. A scream echoes through the air, and the garden lights up with Lucifer’s grace. And then, just as suddenly, Lucifer is gone, and Sam is alone.

He’s bleeding, but he doesn’t care.

“No!” he screams. “No! Lucifer!” He claws at the ground, as if trying to bring the light back to him. The blade twists deeper, and this time, it hits his heart.

Dying was never the same thing twice, Sam knew. He’d been dead enough times to confirm the theory. This time, he hurdled along a stereotypical tunnel of light. Huh, is his last thought, and then he reaches the light.

—

When he wakes up, he isn’t alone. It’s the first thing he notices. The empty space inside of him is gone, and in it’s place is Lucifer.

_Thank God. ___

“I don’t think God has anything to do with it, Sam,” Lucifer tells him. His voice is strained and weak.

The second thing that Sam notices is the darkness. He’s never seen it himself, this particular shade of night, but he knows that Lucifer has. Oh God. The Cage. They’re in the _Cage. ___

Sam’s brain only has time to process his horror before the full weight of the memories that Lucifer has also, presumably, just seen, presses into his mind. Hellfire and laughing and a cruel, cruel Lucifer flash through his mind.

“Sam,” his Lucifer begs. “Sam. It’s not me!”

“I know,” Sam says. His voice is just as ragged as Lucifer’s, now.

Before Lucifer can reply, or do anything, a man stands in front of them. “What?” Sam says. It’s the only thing he can think to say. Everything has happened so fast.

“Hello, Sam Winchester,” the figure says. 

“Death?” he asks, and Death nods. “Why- what are you doing here?”

“I have come to release you. Your brother requested it.”

All Sam can think of is Dean’s neck under his foot. “I don’t - my brother’s dead.”

Death stares at him - through him, if Sam is honest - for a moment, before he speaks. “Ah. Well, I’m sure that you would like to leave here.”

He reaches for them, then, and Sam feels an excruciating pain, even compared to everything that he has felt in the memories he had just seen. When the pain recedes, he sees himself tied down in Bobby’s panic room, the one that hasn’t existed for years, now.

“No,” Sam says. “No!” He’s halved, again. Lucifer is gone. “No!”

The Sam on the table says the same thing, and Sam can see that the Sam there isn’t whole, but he doesn’t care. Lucifer is gone. He’s alone.

Death looks at him with pity in his eyes. “Until we meet again, Sam Winchester,” he says, and lays Sam into the Sam on the table.

Sam can’t move. The losses that have happened in the past two days are suddenly washing over him. Dean. Castiel. Lucifer. He can’t take it.

_That’s alright, Sam, _a voice says inside his head. _You can forget everything now. Just - forget. _____

—

When Sam wakes up, newly re-souled, he wonders why it feels like there’s a gaping hole inside his chest. Oh well, he thinks. 

It’s nothing that he hasn’t lived with before.

**Author's Note:**

> Edited 12/23/15, because I learned how to use italics.


End file.
